Fathers Day has Always Looked a Little Different for Me
Oh Fathers Day... that one day a year that's so special for many fathers and their children. It's also that one day a year that's just a little extra salt on the wound for us fatherless souls. Despite not being a child anymore, Fathers Day still has a particular sting and I wonder how things could have been, should have been.
Honor and I will peruse the card aisle, so we can pick out a card for her dad, and I can't help but think, what card would I get mine? Maybe I could write Hallmark and request a card that says, "We might be biologically related, but the only emotional attachment I have towards you is anger. Happy non-father's day!"
But then that would be petty, and honestly, I'm not always mad. I've bounced from different emotions throughout the years, but almost every Fathe's Day, it centers back on hurt. I've recently tried to reconnect with my father, and despite, I still find hurt. Hurt, hurt, hurt. That's not what any person deserves to feel when thinking of their parent, but I know it's all too common.
Recently, my dad called me and asked a favor of me. It struck me speechless for a moment. I thought to myself, there is no way this man who has never even thought to call and wish me a happy birthday and has gone 30 years of my life without asking if I'm doing okay, called to ask me for a favor. But he did. HE DID. I decided in that moment to be thankful for his call. Not so that I could help him, because his call really upset me.
I am thankful for the opportunity to say no, though. You see, I've allowed a pattern of men in my life who don't bring much to the table, so I'm always bringing the most to the table and then being let down. That isn't my story anymore though. So I gathered up my spirits and said no. No, you can't take from me when you've never gave. You haven't earned the right to ask me for anything. I will not give any part of myself away. That is for me. My time, my heart, my resources; they are not up for grabs and favors.
So this goes out to the others who have felt hurt on this day meant to celebrate fathers, and for all of the givers out there. Hear me: Don't give so much of yourself, that you are left without. There is power in saying NO. Yesterday I choose not to give my power away. I'm leaving myself strong so that when the right man comes into our lives, my future children won't feel hurt on this day.